I think I just saw someone hide a body.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
