I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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