You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
