Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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