This is not my ceiling
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
