I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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