I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
