yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
