Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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