I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
