That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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