he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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