Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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