Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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