weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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