Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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