My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
