Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
