College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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