I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
one might say we're banned from that church
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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