like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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