the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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