Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
