you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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