She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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