I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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