turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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