I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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