remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
