i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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