mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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