If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
