Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
