I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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