I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
