I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
