i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
