We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize