know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
