so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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