I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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