Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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