Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize