i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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