i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
