alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
