she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you didnt know i had herpes?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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