i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
