why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
