I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I still have a little drunk in my system
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
