So drunk its hurt
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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