It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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