My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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