porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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