the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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