Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
