Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
