What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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