Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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