He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
