I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
