I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
