I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
