after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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