Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
