You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize