There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
3pm strippers are depressing
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
