so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize