Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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