Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sorry about my life...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
